Ask Dr. Hilda

Question: I am deeply in love with my fiance, and although we have not been sexually involved for a long period of time, I find that his girth, width, and stroke is just what I've always liked. But for some reason, I don't feel that I orgasm (although he claims to see it -- I'm not feeling it) and I really don't ejaculate unless he rubs my clitoris vigorously and that is not all the time. I really don't want to hurt his feelings, but I don't know if I can marry someone who does not make me ejaculate or reach orgasm on a regular basis. I have used toys in the past when I'm not in a relationship, but I don't want to have to use it for a man I plan to marry. He's a great person -- loving, accepting of my flaws, caring, gentle, attentive, etc. But, I'm so very unsatisfied.

I may add that I did have weight loss surgery one year ago and prior to the surgery, I was celibate for five years. I'm not certain if the surgery or my long time of celibacy has caused a change in my libido but again I'm very unsatisfied.

I am looking forward to any suggestions you may have.

Answer: Congratulations on finding a great man. You describe the kind of man that every woman dreams of. Now for you: Your fiance is not responsible for your orgasms. He can't wrap it up in a blue box with a white ribbon and hand it to you as a gift. It is up to you to find your most sensitive spots and show them to your partner. Show him where and how to give you the most pleasure. You should also know that most women, more than 70 percent, do not orgasm every time they have intercourse. And even fewer women ejaculate -- some studies suggest between 10 and 40 percent will ejaculate some of the time. So you are not abnormal. Relax and enjoy the pleasurable sensations that you do have with him, and chances are good that the orgasms will come more frequently.

Don't knock toys. Toys can be great additions to your sex life with your partner. They add interest and prevent boredom in the bedroom. Find toys that you can share with him, providing pleasure to both of you.

Wake up and realize that you have a good man before the woman down the street steals him! --Dr. Hilda

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