Pleasure

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Dr. Hilda's Featured Excerpt...

"In the years since publication of my first book, What Your Mother Never Told You About S-e-x, I have traveled the country speaking to women about the importance of mutually satisfying sex. On these trips as well as in my practice as a gynecologist and in my work as a contributing editor and columnist for Glamour and Essence magazines, I get hundreds of questions from women about sex and sexual health. I wrote What Your Mother Never Told You About S-e-x because so many women had questions about their own sexual anatomy and sexual technique. Some women I encountered admitted to having the most basic, perfunctory information about sex even though many had been having sex for years. That first book provided the basic information about “plumbing” and positions, and answered some fundamental questions. But once we’d covered that ground, I discovered that women still craved more information.

"While many women across America are having plenty of sex many aren’t experiencing the level of pleasure they’d like to feel. They want sex that’s more than just the union of two bodies. They want to come away from the experience feeling satisfied, glowing with contentment. They want to experience a more complete sense of pleasure, not just good sex but great, satisfying sex. And as I’ve listened to thousands of women who have shared their stories with me, one thing always intrigued me: The definition and experience of pleasure of every one of these women are different.

"Many women have written to me and expressed feelings of sexual inadequacy. Most of those feelings stem from the tremendous pressure that women feel to perform in bed. They’re not comfortable unless their bodies look a certain way. They feel they should be having orgasms – better yet, multiple orgasms – every time. They feel they’re supposed to know every position, every technique, and every trick that will make their partner climb the walls. When the sexual experience does not measure up to this ideal, some women – or their partners – are left feeling unfulfilled and inadequate.

"My message is this: Pleasure is not about performance and goals. How can you have the joyful experience of pleasure if you’re judging yourself, worrying about your partner, or counting orgasms? Pleasure comes when you’re relaxed, when you’re comfortable with yourself and your partner, and with what you’re doing together. Pleasure is exciting and exhilarating. It’s thrilling. And it’s as individual as you are. There is no right way to achieve pleasure. You define your own pleasure – hopefully for yourself – and seek it out and enjoy it to the fullest.

"This book has been written to give you steps on the pathway to pleasure. The first step is to become an authority on your own body. That means learning, and appreciating, all of your unique body parts and how they work. Only when you learn to love and honor your genitals and the rest of your body will you be able to abandon yourself to the erotic sensations – emotional and physical – of sex. When you feel good about your physical self, you can throw off the covers, turn on the lights, and gaze into your partner’s eyes as your bodies join in ecstasy.

"You deserve, and should feel entitled to, sexual pleasure. Many of us have not reached our sexual potential because we are not sure exactly what we want or need to be sexually satisfied. Too often we wait for our partners to provide us with just the right stimulation, the magic touch. You must take responsibility for your own pleasure. In order to achieve the sex that you deserve, you must go on a journey of self-discovery. It is essential that you explore and identify what makes you feel good. Once you discover what turns you on, you must feel deserving enough to share that information with your partner. After all, most of our partners really do want to know what makes us happy. In my travels, many men have asked me to tell them what women really want in bed. Communication with your partner is one of the most important keys to sexual satisfaction. In Part II, I provide instructions on how to become confident in your sexuality, discover what you want, and communicate those desires to your partner.

"To have the ultimate sexual experience, you must allow yourself to accept as well as give pleasure. As women, we often find it much easier to give than to receive. We are much more comfortable in our role as caregivers, taking care of someone else’s needs. Relaxing, receiving, and letting go may be the most difficult part of sex for some of us. In Part III, I present steps to take on your journey to becoming a woman who is free and open to receiving pleasure.

"Sexual techniques and skills are important – and more than 150 tips and techniques are provided in Part III – but sex is more than two bodies going through a series of positions and movements. The emotional experience of sex is equally important. For many women, closeness, intimacy, and spiritual connection are the most satisfying aspects of sex. Each person brings unique feelings and emotions to the encounter. Understanding your feelings as well as those of your partner increases the intimacy and spiritual connection that elevates good sex to great sex. In this book, I discuss the psychological and emotional components that may affect the sexual experience for men and women.

"In the best of relationships, sex can become stale and lifeless. The key is to consistently add spice and interest to your sex life. Part IV shows you how to kick it up a notch, with more than fifty tips to increase your pleasure. Orgasm is only one of the many possible sources of sexual pleasure. This section discusses how to increase the chance that you will experience an orgasm – whether it be your first or your millionth – and, more important, that it will be truly satisfying.

"Sexual pleasure is important throughout your lifetime, though it may change as you go through life’s phases. Perhaps the most surprising and alarming change for women occurs after marriage, when the frequency and intensity of sex often decrease. And having children, no matter how much you adore them, creates new obstacles for intimacy. Menopause adds yet another set of challenges to the pursuit of sexual pleasure. Tips on how to keep your sex life hot and exciting forever are presented in Part VI.

"In my travels, many women have asked me to write a “spicier” sequel to What Your Mother Never Told You About S-e-x. Pleasure is my answer to those requests. It has been a labor of love, and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it. I wish you joy, happiness, excitement, satisfaction, and a lifetime of pleasure."